your smell is on me - May 14, 2002

written, rather obviously, for an unrequited love, senior year of high school. the character placement absolutely slays me. my english teacher would have beat me senseless if I ever thought to turn such a thing in.

***

your smell is on me
and covers me like a
blanket that i can’t remove
no matter how hard i push and pull
                               and push and pull.
i can’t even look at your profile,
your hair looks so good, you just look so
                                                               good
to me and it hurts to look into your eyes.
those eyes that
used to follow me

everywhere

and now they’re just a part of my existence.
i can’t deal with this pain right now,
it’s squeezing the     life out of
                                    my soul, i just can’t deal with my heart
throwing itself at the walls of my chest and begging me, just begging me to

let it go.
let it go.
let it go.

let it bleed

out the sadness    and die,
                                       die on the floor by my feet.
why can’t i                    die on the floor by the feet of the chair that holds me
and refuses to fall through to the center of the earth.
i can’t do this, i can’t be strong,
i can’t just sit here in

s i l e n c e

and not do a single thing while you are right there next to me and i can’t hold you.
we said we didn’t want to ruin anything,
didn’t we? that’s why you’re not
in my arms right now because we didn’t want it to end up
in a tornado
                   of hatred and confusion.
but it’s ruined.
                         i can feel it.  you no longer do
everything in your power to find me, you no longer
blatantly show how much you care,

no, you were going to disappear on me again.
you were.

but i won’t let you, you were the one who wouldn’t let it happen
so i’ll never leave you.
in your dreams you’ll see my face and the bittersweet
t
  e
     a
        r
           s

falling down my cheeks will remind you.

i don’t want you to hurt.
i don’t want you to hurt like i hurt.

so then this might have to be.
goodbye